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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27718216">in sickness &amp; in flames</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/CruelRage/pseuds/CruelRage'>CruelRage</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 16:16:08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,087</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27718216</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/CruelRage/pseuds/CruelRage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius and Remus have unresolved romantic tension that James and Peter try to solve. It never goes as planned.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Sirius Black/Remus Lupin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>in sickness &amp; in flames</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>BTW this story starts the exact same as my other work, but this one doesn’t end in smut lol. I plan on continuing this story. Enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>     “Sirius.”</p><p>     “Remus?”</p><p>     “Where are our wands?”</p><p>     “I- what?”</p><p>     “Where. Are. Our. Wands.”</p><p>     “Well mine is in- er.”</p><p>     Remus sighed, a controlled exhalation of air. The tiny closet Sirius had ushered them into after a prank gone wrong was not the sort of place he wanted to lose his temper, but he could feel the full moon creeping up his neck. Sirius was currently patting himself down, trying to locate both his and Remus’s wands.</p><p>     “Merlin, Moony, I swear I had them when I was round the corner…” Sirius was barely three feet in front of Remus, now shrugging his robes off completely to shake them out. The Bowie t-shirt and jeans he wore underneath fit him nicely and Remus found himself needing to look away. Why he thought it would be a good idea in the first place to ever give his wand over to Sirius was beyond him. It had seemed smart at the time, seeing as Remus’ magic had a tendency to go berserk when the full moon was approaching. And having his wand in nerve wracking situations, such as sneaking into Flitwick’s classroom after hours to charm all the stools to moan when you sat on them, was not conducive to keeping his magic under control. Just now, however, having his wand and a bit of uncontrolled magic didn’t seem like such a bad thing. In fact, it seemed like quite a good alternative to the situation he was currently in. A situation which seemed to only get worse by the minute.</p><p>     Now in only the t-shit and jeans (<em>Remus’ </em>old t-shirt and jeans, he noted with an unwarranted amount of satisfaction), Sirius was attempting to check his jeans pockets for the runaway wands. However, bending his arm in the small room was proving to be an issue, and his elbow bumped against Remus’ torso every few moments. Remus had learned long ago to suffer quietly through the sparks of electricity that contact with Sirius lit in him, but this close to the moon Remus’ nerves were frayed and chafing.</p><p>     “Would you <em> stop that </em>,” he ground out, reaching for Sirius’ wrists and yanking them still. Sirius looked up at him with those big round eyes he always got whenever Remus snapped at him, and something clenched low in his belly. Those eyes made him feel guilty.</p><p>     Remus let another controlled sigh out of his nose and loosened his grip on Sirius’ wrists but didn’t let go completely.</p><p>     “I’m sorry,” he said softly, ”but you already know they’re not there, so why do you keep looking?” Remus sometimes forgot how easily startled Sirius got, especially when the surprise was from someone he was close to. Remus mentally added this to the long, long list of reasons he would hex Walburga Black into oblivion if he ever saw her again. Not that he’d ever be able to live out his fantasy, but, well, a wolf could dream.</p><p>     “I thought maybe I stuffed them into my jeans instead of in my robes. They must have fallen out somewhere in the hallway, I’m sorry Remus.” As if he needed to apologize. Remus couldn’t hold a grudge against Sirius to save his life. The only exception was in fourth year after The Prank, and even then Remus hadn’t survived more than a month of hating Sirius.</p><p>     God, Remus could smell him so acutely right now. He could hear the pump of blood beneath his skin and could practically make out the flutter of it at the base of Sirius’ jaw despite the darkness of the closet.</p><p>     “Remus?” Christ. Remus snapped his eyes away from Sirius’ throat and up to his face, seeing those grey eyes searing into him again. Remus quickly released his hold on Sirius’ wrists and shuffled back as much as he could in the tiny space.</p><p>     “Sorry,” he coughed, rubbing his eyes, “I was just thinking about where they could be. It doesn’t seem plausible that you just dropped them. Maybe you left them in the charms classroom.” Sirius’ brows scrunched together ever so slightly and he gazed at Remus for a moment before glancing away.</p><p>     “No, I definitely remember grabbing them before we left.” He huffed and leaned back against the door that had automatically locked behind them. “This wouldn’t be a <em> problem </em>if James and Pete hadn’t run away like bloody cowards.” Sirius’ lip jutted forward in that petulant way he had and he glared in the direction James and Peter had gone.</p><p>     “We ran too, you ponce,” Remus replied, trying to regain normalcy. Sirius turned his glare on him.</p><p>     “<em> Yes, </em> but not until we had finished the job. They’re pansies.” Remus simply rolled his eyes and pushed a broom out of his way so he could sink to the ground. The moon had his joints aching and he didn’t want to stand for however long they were going to be stuck here. Across from him, Sirius sank to the ground as well.</p><p>     The room was as long as it was wide, but the sides were cluttered with various Hogwarts-y junk that made it feel much slimmer than it actually was. Sirius was sitting silently against the door, his head leaned back and long pale throat exposed. Sirius’ jawline was quite the talk of the female population of Hogwarts, but Remus was personally partial to his collarbones. Those, too, were exposed by Remus’ old v-neck that Sirius had apparently nicked that morning. Remus glanced up from his survey of Sirius’ throat and chest, unsettled.</p><p>     “Sirius? Are you alright?” This was nearly the longest Remus had ever seen Sirius go without talking or moving or making some kind of racket. It reminded him unhappily of those long tense weeks in fourth year.</p><p>     “I’m…” Sirius’ voice was strained and Remus sat up straighter, somewhat alarmed now.</p><p>     “Padfoot..?” He asked softly, leaning forward to look at his friend. Sirius’ eyes were still closed, but his brows had pinched together again.</p><p>     “I’m not really comfortable with small spaces,” he muttered, glancing at Remus before sighing and closing his eyes again. Remus froze. He hadn’t considered that maybe Remus snapping at him wasn’t what had made him cagey. Startled by the confession, Remus hesitated a moment before pushing off the ground and shuffling over to Sirius’ side of the closet.</p><p>     “Budge up.” Sirius’ eyes snapped open and he looked at where Remus was attempting to squeeze beside him. “I <em> said </em> budge up you great oaf, I’m trying to sit here.” Sirius hurried to scoot over to make room for Remus. There was just enough room for both boys to sit shoulder to shoulder and not quite touch.</p><p>     Sirius was looking at Remus hesitantly, his hair curling around his shoulders and framing his face in an unbearably attractive way. He looked as if he wasn’t sure how to move forward. Honestly, Remus had no clue how to move forward either. He only knew that his chest ached at the slightly shaken look Sirius had in his eyes and that if the situation were reversed Sirius wouldn’t just leave him to suffer. So, in true Sirius Black fashion, Remus dove head first into the issue and rolled his eyes before forcibly pulling Sirius’ back to his chest and settling his arms around him. Sirius fit perfect in the little corner Remus’ outstretched legs and the wall made.</p><p>     “You’re okay, Sirius,” he murmured, doing his best to avoid the temptation of burying his face into Sirius’ glorious hair. “You’re safe.” Sirius, who had stiffened considerably when Remus had pulled him to him, let out a juddering breath and relaxed against Remus’ chest.</p><p>     “I’m sorry,” he breathed. Remus frowned and reached up to flick Sirius’ ear lightly.</p><p>     “There’s nothing to be sorry for. Just try to relax.” Honestly, this wasn’t all that different from the nights one of them woke the dorm with nightmares and they all climbed into each other’s beds because there was no way they’d get back to sleep alone. This felt infinitely more intimate, though, and more like a choice than a necessity. The soft rise and fall of Sirius’ back against his chest was giving Remus breathing problems and he had to focus to bring himself under control.</p><p>     Mentally scolding himself for getting so much pleasure out of Sirius’ distress, Remus tightened his arms ever so slightly and Sirius sighed.</p><p>     “Alright?” Remus asked. Sirius turned his head to the left and suddenly they were face to face, only a few inches between them. Remus only had a few moments to get caught up in Sirius’ beauty before he noticed that his lashes were wet. He opened his mouth to say something but Sirius beat him to it.</p><p>     “Am I hurting you?” Sirius asked softly. Remus frowned.</p><p>     “What do you mean?”</p><p>     “I mean-” Sirius shifted so he was facing Remus more fully and Remus’ chest felt cold with the loss. “I mean the moon is this week, right? And you get sore?” Vaguely, Remus remembered telling Sirius what the lead up to the moon was like for him in third year. His whole body started to ache as if the moon was pulling the wolf out of his skin like the tides. And slowly but surely it got more intense until he was writhing on the ground of the shack as the wolf made its way out. Remus swallowed.</p><p>     “Don’t, Sirius. Don’t worry about me.” He couldn’t resist the temptation to bring his hand up and tuck Sirius’ hair out of his face. Sirius closed his eyes and let him. </p><p>     “You know I can’t help it,” Sirius breathed. Remus’ hand brushed the wetness on his cheeks and his stomach clenched again. Something inside of him burned and wept with anger and grief for the boy in front of him. Merlin, the things he’d do for him and he didn’t even know.</p><p>     “I know. But. I’m okay. And you’re okay. So let’s just…” Remus trailed off as Sirius opened his eyes again, half lidded. God, that eye contact was going to be the death of him.</p><p>     “Be okay together?” Sirius asked sardonically, his signature shit eating grin making a reappearance. Remus stared at him.</p><p>     “Yeah” he breathed. Sirius blinked lethargically at him, then let his eyes slip closed, head falling back on Remus’ shoulder.</p><p>     “You make a nice pillow, Moony,” he said, lips barely moving. Remus watched him silently for a moment before thunking his head against the door behind him. It was going to be a long night</p>
<hr/><p>     A light scratching woke Remus up from where he had been lightly dozing. He twitched and slowly blinked his eyes open. Sirius was no longer laying against him. He was now fiddling with some of the crap lined up against the walls, seeming to be hard at work.</p><p>     “Sirius?” Remus asked groggily. Sirius turned his head, a look of happy surprise spreading over his face.</p><p>     “Remus!” He had a spot of soot on the end of his nose. Remus frowned at him and sat up straighter.</p><p>     “What are you doing? Are you making something?” Sirius turned back around, gathering whatever he had been doing into his arms and staggering over to Remus. Remus watched him in growing confusion. The thing in Sirius’ arms seemed to be a cobbled together mess of metal and miscellaneous items. It seemed to be in the shape of…</p><p>     “Is that a <em> duck </em>?” Sirius grinned at him a little maniacally. He knelt in front of Remus and set the contraption down.</p><p>     “Yes! I got bored and restless, <em> so </em>I copied these spells I saw Mary do to meld metal together. Y’know, like the muggles do with the big fire sticks?” Remus breathed a laugh and pulled the large metal duck towards himself.</p><p>     “You mean a welding torch?” Sirius shot him a ludicrous glance.</p><p>     “What? No.” Sirius took an imperious, know-it-all tone; he sounded remarkably like Lily. ”No, I mean the fire sticks muggles use to meld metal together. It makes them really hot? I learned about it in Muggle Studies.” Sirius sounded so proud of this little piece of ‘knowledge’ that Remus almost didn’t want to correct him. Almost.</p><p>     “Okay first of all, the word is <em> weld </em>, with a W,” he said, ignoring Sirius’ exaggerated eye roll. “And second, the tool is called a welding torch. Of the two of us, who do you think knows more about this?” Sirius slapped his hands over his ears.</p><p>     “Ugh! With all the big words, please stop! Why do you even have all this information stored in your brain, it must be exhausting!” Remus scoffed, used to Sirius’ overdramatic antics.</p><p>     “Is that why you’re always so full of energy?” He sniped back. “Practically bouncing off the walls, you are.” Sirius just stuck his tongue out. Remus snorted and went back to inspecting the duck. “Mature.”</p><p>     The metal structure was roughly the size of a loaf of bread. It was mostly a jumbled mess, and only barely reflected the image of a duck. In some spots, the metal was dripping, likely from Sirius getting overzealous with the “fire sticks” spell. It was somewhat impressive for Sirius’ first attempt, however. Remus frowned down at it.</p><p>     “And Mary taught you this spell because…?” Only an insane person would teach Sirius Black, renowned pyromaniac, a welding spell that obviously utilized fire.</p><p>     “Because Mary <em> loves </em>me, unlike my so-called friends who never teach me any fun spells anymore.” Remus shot him an unamused look as he continued to turn the duck over in his hands.</p><p>     “The last time I taught you a ‘fun’ spell, you nearly killed James’ owl.” Sirius' mouth dropped open in offense.</p><p>     “Nobby was only on fire for three seconds!” He cried.</p><p>     “He’s still missing feathers!” Remus shot back. Sirius flipped his hair dismissively.</p><p>     “You’re imagining things. He’s perfectly unscathed.”</p><p>     “He refuses to deliver letters in the common room when the fire’s lit,” Remus pointed out, setting the metal structure down and stretching his legs. He intentionally kicked Sirius as he did so. Sirius glared.</p><p>     “Circumstantial evidence.” Sirius got off his knees and shuffled to lean on the wall opposite Remus. Remus crossed his ankles and propped his arm on the bird.</p><p>     “So ‘weld’ is too large a word, but ‘circumstantial’ is considered acceptable?” He asked, amused. Sirius nodded sagely.</p><p>     “Quite. In fact, any word I say is automatically appropriate, and any word that you say that I don’t know is unacceptable.” Sirius stretched his legs out as well, opting to put them in Remus’ lap. Remus was unimpressed.</p><p>     “If that’s the case, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to speak again,” he intoned. “There are a great many words you don’t know.” Sirius’ eyes narrowed.</p><p>     “What are you insinuating? That I’m <em> stupid? </em>” He had a gleam in his eye that Remus didn’t like, but he refused to backtrack.</p><p>     “<em> Quite, </em>” he mocked. Sirius dug his heel into his thigh, and he hissed, grabbing his ankle. “You can’t keep your feet on my lap if you’re going to use it against me, tosser.” Sirius stopped his attack and resettled his feet.</p><p>     “Ugh, what time is it anyway? It feels like we’ve been here for <em> hours </em>.” Remus bit his cheek and did some quick calculations.</p><p>     “It’s about 4am. We’ve only been here for an hour or two.” Sirius shot him an odd look.</p><p>     “Where’d you get that? A wordless <em> and </em>wandless tempus spell? That’s advanced magic, even for you.” Remus sighed and tipped his head to the side, regarding Sirius, suddenly tired.</p><p>     “It’s about 16 hours to moonrise, and that should be at about 8:00pm tomorrow,” he said. Sirius frowned and he shrugged. “It was just some quick maths.” Sirius stared at him silently for a moment, too quiet for Remus’ liking. </p><p>     “Are you really that attuned to the moon?” He finally asked. The question was quiet, cautious, and Remus sighed. Beyond that one overly detailed conversation Remus had had with him in third year, Remus almost never discussed the moon. Besides what the other Marauders had physically seen of the transformations or managed to research, they knew next to nothing about lycanthropy. Remus had been intentional about that; the less they knew the better. Or so he’d thought.</p><p>     “Do you really want to talk about that?” Sirius looked at him steadily, actually appearing to consider the question. Eventually, he nodded.</p><p>     “Yes. If you do.” Remus hesitated. There was a reason he’d kept so much to himself. The three of them already treated him like he was made of glass, especially on moon nights. He didn’t want them to know how much his lycanthropy affected him on the day to day, how it permeated his entire life.</p><p>     The fact was, the person Remus would’ve become had he not been bitten was not who he was. And he was never getting that person back. He felt that loss keenly, constantly, but he’d figured out how best to keep it from getting to him. He liked who he was now, mostly. And yes, he hated the wolf. Despised it with everything he had in him. Yet that hatred did nothing but made him miserable.</p><p>     So, he put on a brave face. He pretended he couldn’t feel the phases of the moon like emotions, pretended his strength didn’t wax and wane with it. He made up excuses when his heightened senses alerted them to things he’d never normally be able to detect. He acted more affected than he was when hit spells that slid off him easier as a dark beast than they did for any regular wizard. He monitored his emotions and clamped down on his gut reactions until they were only faint warnings he could respond rationally to. If Sirius thought knowledge was a burden, he understood nothing of the weight of the wolf.</p><p>     Sirius was looking at him patiently, only his twitching pinky giving away his impatience and nerves. If for nothing else, the Blacks could be applauded for their impeccable self control. Remus closed his eyes and sighed again.</p><p>     “Yes, I really am that attuned to the moon.” His words came out clipped and academic. He waited for Sirius to comment, to dodge the emotional weight he was sharing. He opened his eyes to Sirius’ stoic expression. He was impressively unreadable when he wanted to be.</p><p>     “That’s all? No explanation?” Remus clicked his tongue.</p><p>     “Go read a book about it if you’re so interested,” he sniped without thinking. His temper from the approaching moon was still there, then. He wasn’t bitter, exactly, that Sirius hadn’t shown any care or interest in his condition in years. Of course, that’s what he’d been striving for, but you didn’t always want what you worked towards. Sirius frowned at him and he felt vaguely bad.</p><p>     “You know those books are full of shite,” he responded calmly. Remus really didn’t know why he was pursuing this now of all times, but he was too tired to bother asking. They’d stayed up until 1 to complete their prank, and despite their nap, Remus wanted to be in bed. Damn James and Peter for abandoning them. He shook his head and gave in.</p><p>     “I’ve learned what it feels like when the moon’s approaching, and I can approximate how long it will take before I transform again. I can tell down to the minute when it gets down to it, which is why I’m able to let you lot know when you need to transform before I rip you to shreds.” Sirius blinks at this, seemingly surprised that he got an actual answer. He slowly nodded.</p><p>     “Is it… like what, based on pressure? Or pain? Like, the closer you get, the more painful it is?” That was actually a good question and Remus paused to consider.</p><p>     “It’s not exactly pain, more like… restlessness? Or lack of control,” he says, then quickly regrets it when Sirius’ eyes narrow in consideration. He backtracks. “Mostly, I can just feel the wolf bubbling up, and can tell how long it is before he gets his time. It does make me pretty sore, though, as you know.” Sirius hummed, tapping his feet together in Remus’ lap. He was wearing his clunky combat boots, and the weight was nice on Remus’ thighs.</p><p>     “So, is that why your temper gets shorter and you eat more around the moon? The wolf is closer to the surface?” Remus blinked. Sirius picked up on more than he gave him credit for. He nodded slowly. </p><p>     “I didn’t really think of it like that, but I suppose, yes,” he replied. Sirius looked hard at him and crossed his arms.</p><p>     “What else haven’t you told me?” He asked. “What else do you deal with every month that you never thought to share?” He sounded upset, and Remus was conflicted. On the one hand, the sad lonely part of him was ecstatic that he was showing interest, that he cared enough to be concerned. However the angry defensive part of him wanted Sirius out of his business, because why was he so invested anyway? He’d just treat him like a child or a monster, and he didn’t know which one was worse.</p><p><br/>
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</p><p>     “Remus.” He looked up, meeting Sirius’ eyes. He looked sadder than he had a moment ago. “You don’t have to hide things from me. You don’t have to deal with it all alone.” Remus frowned.</p><p>     “There’s nothing to deal with. This is just who I am, it’s how it is. You don’t have to feel bad for me, or anything.” This is exactly why Remus hadn’t wanted to say anything. Sirius was looking at Remus like he was a sad little puppy, kicked and abused and in need of a loving hand. He swallowed a growl.</p><p>     “Just because that’s how it is doesn’t mean-”</p><p>     “What good does it do to wallow in the parts that suck? I’ve survived this long by-”</p><p>     “And just survival is enough? Being happy isn’t the goal?”</p><p>     “Being happy isn't an option!” Sirius blinked at him. He hadn’t meant to say that, not at all, but it was out there now and there was no taking it back. He looked away, shaking his head.</p><p>     “So you’re not happy.” Remus could feel Sirius eyes on him, heavy and concerned.</p><p>     “What does it matter, Sirius? We were all going along happily-” Sirius scoffed.</p><p>     “Not <em> happily, </em>though, was it?” Remus turned and glared.</p><p>     “Why are you so invested? Why are we even <em> talking </em>about this, you’ve never shown interest before.” Sirius’ face spasmed and he pulled his legs back to his chest and leant over, elbows on his knees.</p><p>     “I’ve never shown interest because every time I do you shut right down! I can never get a word in edgewise without you biting my head clean off!”</p><p>     “Maybe there’s a reason! Maybe, just <em> maybe, </em>I don’t want you sticking your nose in my business,” Remus snarled. Sirius barked out a humorless laugh.</p><p>     “Well? Which is it? That I don’t pay you enough mind or that I pay too much? You can’t have it both ways.” Sirius managed to look concerned while also glaring hard. Remus glared back before breaking eye contact.</p><p>     “Whatever, Sirius, I’m done talking about this.”</p><p>     “What? You can’t just-”</p><p>     “It’s <em> my </em> life, Sirius, <em> my </em>disease,” he bit out. Sirius took a breath but he cut him off before he could speak. “Just please drop it.” Sirius stared at him for a long moment before sighing irritably and laying back against the wall.</p><p>     “What are we supposed to do for however long until James and Pete come to find us?” He asked quietly. Remus just shrugged, staring at the ground. Sirius made another irritated noise and sat up again.</p><p>     “Remus, please, I don’t want to just leave this hanging in the air like this,” Sirius said. Remus didn’t respond. He really wasn’t in the mood to discuss his trauma to appease Sirius’ discomfort. “Remus.” He said this a bit more desperately, and Remus glanced at him tiredly. He met Remus’ gaze starkly. “I’m <em> sorry </em>,” he whispered, sounding pained. “I’m sorry I never pushed before or bothered to care what this all is like for you. I just-”</p><p>     “<em> Please </em>, Sirius, not today,” Remus cut in. He really could not deal with this right now, not with the moon creeping up his neck. “After the moon, okay? Talk to me then.” Sirius looked up at him through his lashes, then swallowed, nodding to himself.</p><p>     “Of course, Moony, anything for you.” The words fell into the silence of the room, sad in their sincerity. Remus hopes James and Pete showed soon.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>If you’d like to leave a comment and/or kudos, it’d be very appreciated! &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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